To Do List no. 3

Okay so tonight is the last night in London and I am feeling quite torn. I am happy to go back because however much I try to tell myself that I want to stay, a part of me also wants to go. And there are close to zero things that I have left that I wished I had done. So therefore I can tick off the majority of my to do list. 

1. London Tower (been here 10 times and never gone - shame on me)
2. Borough Market 
3. Brick Lane
4. Winter Wonderland (been but need to go again)
5. New Years Ever (will I ever get a better opportunity?)
6. Guard Change at Buckingham Palace shame on me
7. Out doors cinema not my fault there were no good ones
8. G-A-Y Heaven (again, been but need to go again)
9. Photography in all (but not all) boroughs I TRIED
10. Three musicals (that I have not seen)
11. Night photography (cause why not?)
12. Brighton (okay not in London but I mean who said I couldn't move outwards, yeah?)
13. Find my favourite place (been looking but I have not found my favourite place yet)
14. James Bay concert (cheating cause I already have tickets, but still...)
15. Move outside of zone 1-3 (there is so much to see from zone 4 and outwards)
16. Go to The Breakfast Club
17. See a play
18. Two museums (that I have yet not visited)
19. Volunteer it did not work out
20. Do the Colour Me 5K Run (cause I already signed up and I better get my ass running) we were sick and it is the honest truth

Safe to say I am very proud of my accomplishment. 

I will miss this place so much. Surely I will go back but I will not come back to live then, it will be for vacations, which will never be the same. 

London will never be the same. It will from now on always be home away from home. 

Secret tears

So, this was my last week as an au pair.

The entire week, or even the entire past month, was very uneventful and very chill seeing as the kids were all away on the own activities which left me alone in the house with laundry. I also helped Nicky getting into the shoes of my role properly and I am now 100% confident she will do perfectly in taking over after me. I mean the kids already adore her to bits.

However, on Thursday I was finally painfully aware of how close my final date was and I walked around all day, thinking about how I was going to en up doing things for the last time the next day. We went out for dinner on the Thursday, just having a good time and as I walked home I felt a sense of closure. I knew I still had one more day to go but I still felt like this was a good time to go. I would have felt a bit cheated by time if I had left earlier but this is a good time go to. I can't really explain it, it just felt like a good time to go.

Then there was Friday. The entire day was spent inside the house with the kids. I don't know if they all finally realised that I was inf act leaving, but they all behaved perfectly and spent the day randomly tossing compliments and nice words my way. It did not make it easier for me throughout my shift. Then the entire family and I had a little gathering int he lounge and exchanged nice cards and I got a lovely present. As I was babysitting that evening I still got a bit more extra time with the kids which I really appreciated but as it was time to go to bed we all became aware of the fact that this is the last time before I leave that I will see them. I am leaving on the 15th to go home and they are escaping to their summer house for the next two weeks. Meaning they will come back when I have already left. I was made to promise that I will come back to visit and I am planning on taking them up on that offer.

I will miss this family so terribly. I did not cry in front of the kids, even though they shed their own tears. But on my way home, as I had finally said good-bye to everyone reality hit me like a brick and I realised just what leaving that evening meant. And I started crying. And I couldn't stop. I cried for a few hours and woke up with my cheeks salt stained.

I will miss them all so much. I am just glad I can come visit whenever.

A New Direction

After a minor realisation this weekend I have started anew and will try to live by the new rules I've set out. Actually it is just one rule and it sounds simpler and more stupid than it actually is.

Love myself.

I have always struggled with this and I do realise that a few hours of thinking and a few spoken mantras will not change anything. It is something that I am going to have to work with dutifully and continuously for a long time. I am going to have to change patterns in how I see myself and others. I am going to have to see things from a perspective that I have never honestly tried before and try to see myself objectively rather than filled to the brink with bias and hate. I am going to have to do my absolute best to not fall into a spiral of self hate like I have previously done. It is going to take time.

And I know that.

I will not love myself completely tomorrow, but I might just love myself a bit more than I did today.

West End Live

This week (mostly weekend) left me feeling refreshed.

We spent most of the week just relaxing, taking time hating enjoying the rain. And during the weekend, we got a bit more sunshine and cultural exchange. We went to see West End Live at Trafalgar Square. We got to see parts of Disney's The Lion King, Thriller, Stomp and Matilda. I am a bit sad about not getting to see Wicked, Book of Mormon and Phantom of the Opera (even though I have already seen all of those - but they were just so damn good). But I just think that it is a really good idea to get people invested in the musicals and get people more interested in musicals.

Next weekend though we have a bit more in store. The Swedish midsummer is on Friday and then we have the Pride parade on Saturday. I am really looking forward to that.

Sorting things out

So lately I have had this sensation of having too much on my plate.

Oh how much could it be? Quite a lot to be frank.

I have tried to sort out when to leave (have to book tickets in time for them not to be more expensive than just buying a house here) and then try to organise what will wait for me when I come back to Sweden. There are several things I need (but cannot yet ) sort out and it is stressing me out quite a lot; such as housing after the move to (and up north) in Sweden. Not only will I move back home, but I will also move within the country (not that bad, just 6-ish hours upwards) and I really do not know where to start with that.

On a happier (and warmer note); summer is here. Properly this time and you can hardly move without turning into a puddle of sweat on some days. Especially grateful right now that I have taken the habit of getting the bus instead of the tub so seriously. It is insane how different heat can be from country to country; and even two countries that are as close to each other as England and Sweden. Our heat is so much nicer cause the kind here is humid and thick - good luck breathing.

Half term was a slow process. It was ever so nice to have time off but I didn't really do much with my time. I don't really mind just regret not seeing more, but then again - it will still be there this summer and any other time I decide to come back here after having left this autumn.

Three weeks later…

Where to start?

The past three weeks has been uneventful to the extent that I can't properly remember what has happened. Anna's mother visited for a weekend, the other two were spent simple lounging as Anna tried to recover from her pneumonia. The weeks looked like any other week.

Spring has properly arrived and I cannot think of a more beautiful season. Spring really suits London. It doesn't really matter that it keeps raining every three days. As long as the sun comes out for a while each day I am satisfied.

Half-term is coming up and I have a week off. It is also very conveniently (not) placed just as the finals take place in Sweden and therefore soem friends cannot visit, others have work. However, there are a few plans we might have to look into. I've always wanted to go to Manchester. First, this weekend Anna and I are seeing Phantom of the Opera.

Then we'll see what happens.

Ups and downs

The past week has been a rollercoaster to say the least. Anna was hospitalised for pneumonia. Heading to the emergency on Wednesday after a fitful night they decided to keep her for a night or two (ended up being a week). Which meant that I, obviously, spent my weekend by her side at Whittington. Which I honestly do not mind, I am glad that I got to spend as many hours with her as I did, even though she was ill. She is home now though, which settles my nerves a whole lot.

I was so surprised by the health care here. Even though we went to the emergency room on the first day of the Junior Doctor Strike, we got help quickly and within hours she had her own bed and had gotten enough help to settle our worries a tad. The staff was so friendly and helpful, making sure we understood what was going on and making sure that Anna was comfortable. Honestly, a bit of a polar opposite with the experiences we have with the Swedish health care. Sorry, not sorry - but it is true.

So she is home and recovering, but I am not fully at ease. I see her ill so very rarely that when she is sick to me she is dying. And though I doubt I will ever stop worry about her wellbeing, I am worrying a bit extra now. Silly, but true.

Other than that ordeal not much has happened. My beloved Nicky is still back in Austria (also sick - why oh why come back you asshat) and I miss her so dearly.

By the way, I love Lush.

Lazy weekends.

Tissues, food, tissues, The L-Word and more tissues. That is primarily what my weekend has consisted of. Although, this time I am not the sole user of the tissues. I have spent the majority of my weekend in bed because Anna has been sick. Now, I am not blaming my girlfriend for my inactivity in general, I think that this lazy lounging has done me good as well. I feel properly relaxed and well-rested for the first time in ages.

That means that my napping schedule is going to have to do with some alterations. Seeing as I have been napping daily (yes like an old woman), since my partner in crime isn't around, that became sort of a routine. However, now that I might not need the napping, what should I do with that half an hour a day? Something productive, like writing, or reading, or perhaps deal with the ironing? Naah, if I know me right that half an hour will be well spent doing something absolutely unproductive; like trying to beat level 809 on Pet Rescue Saga or I might even try to beat my high score in Temple Run. This makes me realise that I don't have much of a social life when my Nicky isn't around. I don't mind, I like spending time on my own, but it is getting a bit tedious. Something tells me I am going to have to be a bit brave and reach out to a soul or two. Already have a date set up with my lovely Kristin at the end of the weekend. I might just be able to blame my busy schedule for not being able to press anything else in?

Home and back again.

The last week I spent in Sweden to attend my grandfather's funeral. I made sure to catch up with some relatives and my dogs, but I also spent the majority of that week, plus the week before that, being sick. Have you ever managed to get rid of a clingy cold only to get a dash of anew one as soon as the previous one is gone? That is what is happening to me right now, and has been happening since mid January. It is not easy getting rid of a cold when you live in a house where the three kids take turns being sick, only I get a dose of it every time each one of them gets sick.

Needless to say, all my powers are drained and I feel like lying down in my bed and not get up until June, at the very earliest. However, I am really glad that spring is here properly now and hopefully it'll only get warmer from here on.

This is me signing out to grab a large cup of Lemsip and my book.

I adult very well.

I never realised how much of an adult I was until I got to spend time with children.

I have always found that the 'adult' things in life didn't come too easily and I often felt a surge of panic when I had to do the simplest things, that I classified as adult. However, having spend countless days with children, I realise that these things come quite naturally to me whenever I am the person that actually has to do it. I mean I could send of the youngest to do the weekly shopping. I would not go down well with his parents and we might never get the shopping because he'd get distracted by a dog mid way (not saying that I never get distracted by dogs whilst doing the weekly shopping). And to be honest, I am really enjoying it. I am thoroughly enjoying doing packed lunches, doing laundry, making dinner and making sure no one has sweets before tea time.

I am also thoroughly enjoying spending time with the children, which I, before I got here, to be perfectly honest, thought would be something that I would find hard. But dare I say, it comes naturally. Then again, that could be simply because the children and I share so many interests, it doesn't really get boring hanging out with them.

However, my only worry right now is; how do you entertain a 9 y/o for an entire week when there is no school on, play dates aren't possible and whatever museum you propose is the equivalent of a deadly virus?

Easter holiday

To me it is very foreign that the children have up to four weeks of easter holiday when we in Sweden only have one week. It is also a bit scary to know that that is four weeks of full days where I am going to have to activate three children. Thankfully I only have two of them at the same time since they are off to skiing camps and tennis courses and what not. But still. There are only so many times you can bring a child to the Science Museum without said child being rather fed up with what is on display.

Good thing about this holiday though, is that I got an entire week off, which was spent rather nicely. Half of it in Paris with my little sister and the other half in London with my little sister. We managed to be very tourist-y in Paris and then not as tourist-y in London. It has been so nice to have her around and as much as I have enjoyed her company it is going to be nice to get my bed back and not have her stuff all over my bedroom surfaces. Yes I am one of those people that go 'please come visit' and low key hate sharing my space. 

In less than two weeks though I am on my way back home for my grandfather's funeral and a few much appreciated days with my dogs and family.

Easter Holiday

Easter is such big deal here. I don't see how spending £1,000's on Easter sweets would make anyone feel better but it is apparently a thing. I feel really bad about not getting my children anything for Easter, but I just don't think it is that big of a deal, to be perfectly honest. I also do not understand how it is fair that you in Sweden have one week, whereas the children here have up to four weeks (depending on the school they go to).

This was not meant to be a whiny post.

I am really excited about the holiday, especially the first week, since I have that one off and have the in-laws visiting and then a four day trip to Paris with my little sister (+ another 5 days with her here in London). That alone mean that I can tick of another few points on my 'to-do' list heh.

I am not going to lie.

I could go on a rampage about how busy I have been and I could conjure up a few things that I have done. But in all honesty I have read. I have tended to sick children for an entire week and the week before that I was poorly myself. And let's be honest now, not a lot of things happen when you are ill. And this in turn lead to me reading five books, and starting another two. Shit happens.

This weekend I have had my beloved Silke over from Belgium and she was lovely enough to invite me along to an author/bloggers event. We also squeezed in a trip to the theatre to see The End of Longing with a.o. Matthew Perry in it. Thinking that it was going to be either exactly like friends, or the complete opposite, I was left very happy. It was a perfect mixture. There were points where I could not help but think "this could be out of a Friends episode" or "that is such a Chandler thing to say" but at the same time it had issues and a raw honesty that you never really got enough on Friends, just because it didn't go that deep. Long story short, it was well worth the money and I would highly recommend it.

Other than that, I have been painfully unoccupied. I have managed to apply to schools and looked into the whole "moving back" business that is happening in roundabout five months. It feels insane that I am more than halfway through my stay. It scares me a bit. That in six months I have probably hopefully started university again.

To-Do-List no. 2

Okay, updated version.

1. London Tower (been here 10 times and never gone - shame on me)
2. Borough Market 
3. Brick Lane
4. Winter Wonderland (been but need to go again)
5. New Years Ever (will I ever get a better opportunity?)
6. Guard Change at Buckingham Palace
7. Out doors cinema
8. G-A-Y Heaven (again, been but need to go again)
9. Photography in all (but not all) boroughs
10. Three musicals (that I have not seen)
11. Night photography (cause why not?)
12. Brighton (okay not in London but I mean who said I couldn't move outwards, yeah?)
13. Find my favourite place (been looking but I have not found my favourite place yet)
14. James Bay concert (cheating cause I already have tickets, but still...)
15. Move outside of zone 1-3 (there is so much to see from zone 4 and outwards)
16. Go to The Breakfast Club
17. See a play
18. Two museums (that I have yet not visited)
19. Volunteer
20. Do the Colour Me 5K Run (cause I already signed up and I better get my ass running)

Unproductive events.

February was quite possibly the most uneventful and at the same time most eventful month so far.

I managed to squeeze in an anniversary, a birthday, the vist from my sister and my beloved Belgian Panda. But then again that is just about everything that has happened. Other than that there has been insanely long days that has resulted in nothing productive (I think I am going to have to go back to my bucket list and tick som things off) and I am not too sure how I feel about that. Once again I feel very stupid for not doing something all the time, but at the same time I just do not have the energy. I mean, a month long cold (if not longer) is not something that I just randomly recover from over night. Yes I am trying to justify my laziness I should probably try and turn it around though. I don't want to go home and feel like I missed out. So far, that feeling hasn't creeped on, but you never know.

I have also started planning out my packing for when going home. Sigh.

Thinking Out Loud

This entire weekend I have walked around with one feeling in my gut throughout. It hasn't really mattered if I have been walking alone on the street on my way to or from a bus; if I have been waiting for someone to to call or pick up; if I have just paid or gotten money back; if I have found something that I have been looking forward to or given something back that I've borrowed; if I have talked to someone or seen that I have a missed call. That one feeling has always been there.

Gratitude.

It might sound super pretentious and slightly weird but this weekend I have had that feeling constantly. I am just so grateful to have the people that I do, around me. To be surrounded with people that are so supportive and kind.

There is always going to be negative and bigoted arseholes out there. But I am just going to try and improve in ignoring them

Indecisiveness

I have always had trouble making up my mind about the major decisions in life. Most of the times I've just pushed the decision a bit further a head, engaging in something less important for a while until the real problem went away on its own and I can go back to not have to make life changing choices. I am currently at one of those decisions; where I have to decide if I want to stay or not; if I want to go home and study or not; if I want to make a grown up decision, or just go with whatever is the easiest option.

Whereas as a kid I could ask my mother; does this look good? As a teenager; what should I write my essay about? A year ago; can you look after the dog? But now I am sat in my bedroom, almost 8 months after I left to do this whole au-pair thing, and so far I have managed on my own, I have made my own decisions and that is the reason I am sat here. And I feel really good about that. I am actually insanely proud of myself for having gotten myself here, but now I am stuck.

One part of me wants to stay, keep living this (let's be honest) easy life as an au-pair in a family, that actually wants you to stay for another year because they like you so much. I could stay and do all the things that I have felt like I have missed out on this year. I could stay and get to know London (and the parts outside it) better. I could stay and get even closer with the kids and the parents, spend more time with the other au pairs that are staying, spend more time with my best friend now living here, spend more time not living at home, in Sweden.

The other part really does want to go home. Not necessarily to the way things were before. Actually not at all to that. I want something new, even if I do go home. Meaning I will move to another city, away from the one I grew up in, study in a foreign city so far away from my home of 24 years. I want to study, get a place of my own to life, get a job and all that comes after. Nothing tells me I can't do that even if I do stay another year, but that part, the flat-study-job part is the part that I have kept pushing ahead of me since I graduated. I know that if I do stay another year, I will keep pushing it ahead of me until I turn 80. I have handed myself a perfect opportunity to grab the bull by the horn and just get on with things.

As things are now, I will take that chance. But then again, a week ago I promised myself that I'd stay.

I am getting old

It has been a pretty up-and-down week.

I think this has been the week where I have felt most appreciative towards the people around me. I don't properly know why but I have just felt so grateful to have the people I do around me. Not a lot has happened, at least not worth mentioning. The days has looked pretty much the same since I got here.

The one thing standing out though, is that I have gotten myself out of my comfort zone and will start volunteer working at Oxfam from next week onwards. It is once a week, 4 hours - but it will fill my day and I will feel good about doing it. Also, it is in a book-and-music branch which suits me perfectly and the people working there are really lovely.

What else, what else. A certain persons 25th birthday is coming up please let me live through the upcoming two weeks without age anxiety and things could be worse. I honestly did not think I'd feel like going home as much as I do, but there is this tiny part of me that wishes that I was back home just to get that common birthday commotion. But it feels good to spend it here as well, it is the people you surround yourself with, right?

(Also this evening off could have been spent on looking up future in terms of education and whether to stay or not, but I spent it watching a season of 2 Broke Girls. Regrets? No.)

Social life

Okay so the main reason for the lack of updates; social life. Not that it is the biggest one out there, it is just that it has kept me from writing because it has left me exhausted to the level where I could fall asleep standing. Having a constant cold doesn't help either (I really should go and get that checked.)

Not a lot has happened lately. Apart from the same old, wake up, work, sleep and press a few lunch dates and evening meet ups in. Not that I mind in the slightest. Most of this terms holiday dates are set as well so now I have the opportunity to start planning around those as well. It all leaves me very excited.

What doesn't leave me all too excited though is what happens when my year here is up. I am already halfway through and I don't really want to think about what will happen when I am done. I will not stay another year, I have promised myself that, I need to go elsewhere. Just where? I want to keep on moving, and will not move back home. If I do move back to Sweden it will not be to the same hole that I left, because of all too many reasons to ignore.

I will however have to, within the next week preferably, do the following:

• Look into programs at schools in Sweden for next year.
• Look into living where said schools are.
• Look into pro's and con's for studying here vs. studying in Sweden.
• Look into pro's and con's for working vs. studying.
• Actually figure out what I want to do with my life.

Once again back to routines

Christmas and NYE holidays were a blessing but it feels good being back to the routines. I didn't actually think that I would miss sending kids off to school and making meals, giving rides to practices and swimming lessons, but I do. And it feels going back back.

This year I am planning on seeing more of London. Not just staying in my little Northern London-bubble, but actually get around a bit and since I have my long periods of time off during the day, I really do have a golden opportunity, I just need a bit of a carrot for getting away from the comfortableness off staying in the area.

I will also be volunteering at a local charity shop as a part of #OneMillionHours set up by BBC Radio 1, which I am very excited about. Several concerts and  events are already planned, along with visits from people I hold dear. I am feeling very positive towards this spring, and I hope it doesn't pass as quickly as people say it usually does.

Partly because I don't really want to leave, but also because I don't really know what to do afterwards. I want to study, but I also want to move on, travel somewhere else and see what that place has to offer. But all of that for another day she says as she postpones it for the seventh time this week.

Hiatus over

Okay, there never was a hiatus, just a lazy-ass blogger.

To be honest, I totally meant to write several posts during Christmas and New Years, but I never got around to even opening the laptop. I brought it back home with me, but never actually used it.

So first off, I went home - again. This time my sister did not know a single thing about it and surprising her was the best Christmas gift I could ever have gotten. Along with the well needed money that my parents handed me on Christmas Eve. There was not a single flake of snow in sight and I had a cold from hell, but it did not really matter seeing as I got to spend my sacred holiday with my family and best friend. It was truly awesome. The dogs were beside themselves this time as well (even more than the first time I dare say, which is strange because you'd think that they'd be happier about seeing me after 4 months, rather than 10 days).

And even though I was very happy to be back home, arriving on Dec 23rd might not have been the wisest thing. Why? Because the entire of UK decided to be at the North Terminal of Gatwick Airport at 8AM, flocking around Gate 14-16 were we had to be as well. So after having avoided getting our feet run over by several buggies, trolleys, suitcases on wheels and just people with big feet in general we managed to get to our gate only to have the flight delayed with an hour. Which might not sound too bad (compared to the flight to Bangkok that was supposed to leave at 8.45AM but was delayed until 9.05PM) but when all you really want to do is get home - yeah well. We were not beside ourselves.

Being home was nice though. 0% Christmas feelings and no snow, but it was nice.Vacation spent back home, it felt strange. And after four days, I slowly came to the realisation that I am perfectly fine with going back here, and perhaps not ever go back. I have grown too much to go back to living at home and four days with my family made me realise that. Although it was great seeing people you have missed it felt even better getting back here.

So after spending Christmas in Sweden, New Years in London felt like a really good idea. It was nowhere near as wild and outrageous as one might have hoped it would be but it was nice cause I had my girlfriend and my best friend on either side as it struck midnight and I don't think I have ever felt as content. Not only did we do some resolutions with friends back home, but we also got new resolutions done here and I have honestly never felt more confident in managing my resolutions than I do this year. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I feel like I actually want to this time and I think that weighs more than feeling the need to keep them.