Secret tears

So, this was my last week as an au pair.

The entire week, or even the entire past month, was very uneventful and very chill seeing as the kids were all away on the own activities which left me alone in the house with laundry. I also helped Nicky getting into the shoes of my role properly and I am now 100% confident she will do perfectly in taking over after me. I mean the kids already adore her to bits.

However, on Thursday I was finally painfully aware of how close my final date was and I walked around all day, thinking about how I was going to en up doing things for the last time the next day. We went out for dinner on the Thursday, just having a good time and as I walked home I felt a sense of closure. I knew I still had one more day to go but I still felt like this was a good time to go. I would have felt a bit cheated by time if I had left earlier but this is a good time go to. I can't really explain it, it just felt like a good time to go.

Then there was Friday. The entire day was spent inside the house with the kids. I don't know if they all finally realised that I was inf act leaving, but they all behaved perfectly and spent the day randomly tossing compliments and nice words my way. It did not make it easier for me throughout my shift. Then the entire family and I had a little gathering int he lounge and exchanged nice cards and I got a lovely present. As I was babysitting that evening I still got a bit more extra time with the kids which I really appreciated but as it was time to go to bed we all became aware of the fact that this is the last time before I leave that I will see them. I am leaving on the 15th to go home and they are escaping to their summer house for the next two weeks. Meaning they will come back when I have already left. I was made to promise that I will come back to visit and I am planning on taking them up on that offer.

I will miss this family so terribly. I did not cry in front of the kids, even though they shed their own tears. But on my way home, as I had finally said good-bye to everyone reality hit me like a brick and I realised just what leaving that evening meant. And I started crying. And I couldn't stop. I cried for a few hours and woke up with my cheeks salt stained.

I will miss them all so much. I am just glad I can come visit whenever.

A New Direction

After a minor realisation this weekend I have started anew and will try to live by the new rules I've set out. Actually it is just one rule and it sounds simpler and more stupid than it actually is.

Love myself.

I have always struggled with this and I do realise that a few hours of thinking and a few spoken mantras will not change anything. It is something that I am going to have to work with dutifully and continuously for a long time. I am going to have to change patterns in how I see myself and others. I am going to have to see things from a perspective that I have never honestly tried before and try to see myself objectively rather than filled to the brink with bias and hate. I am going to have to do my absolute best to not fall into a spiral of self hate like I have previously done. It is going to take time.

And I know that.

I will not love myself completely tomorrow, but I might just love myself a bit more than I did today.