I never thought I'd feel so uncomfortable with having a week off. And I never thoguht I'd feel so clueless with what to do with that week off.
Half-term is here and so many of the other au-pairs have been preparing for weeks and are jumping up and down with joy over the fact that the kids are off school and most likely going away for the week with their parents, leaving the au-pair home alone to do whatever she sees fit. And surely, I do see the glamour in having a week off to do whatever you want in a city like London. The possibilities are endless and you will most likely never run out of things to actually do.
And still I feel completely out of my waters here. I was so into routine, enjoying whatever I was set to do in the weeks and rejoicing in the freedom of the weekends, that now that I have 24h a day for an entire week to do whatever I want with, I feel a bit lost. I mean there are so many places I would love to see and equally many, if not more things I would like to do - but I feel like a week is not enough and just like I wrote last time I am stuck in a limbo between "I have enough time, I'll do it later" and "There is not enough time, no way I can do it all" and it is so unsettling.
However; I have gotten back into photography now, which calms me down immensly - and reading is back on track. The fact that I spend £30 on books when I had £0 to spare was not planned, but it made me happy - so there you go!
I have come to realise (probably as I am writing things) that setting up plans is my way to go cause then I can properly see what I am to do and want to do - but at the same time I cannot make plans for every day of the week, because it will leave me feeling trapped in a schedule and knowing myself - it will backfire, leaving me feeling reluctant to doing anything at all.
Tuesday 27 October 2015
Saturday 17 October 2015
Lazy weekend.
This has to be the most uneventful weekend I have had since I arrived.
Friday consisted of a lot of working and then basically heading to the girlfriend's place to sleep. Saturday, could have been filled with lovely activities, but instead I headed back home as Anna went to work and I did some much needed laundry. Sunday is going to be a day of neverending movement, first to Swiss Cottage, then back to East Finchley to walk through Muswell Hill and Alexandra Palace.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind lazy weekends; it is just that I feel more guilty about having them when I am here. I feel guilty about having a lazy day in general, when back in Sweden I saw no problem in not seeing a single other person for a week if that was the time I had off work. It feels like it was easier to occupy one self back at home, rather than doing it here. I mean I have been in my room all day and not a lot of things, apart from laundry (believe it or not!?) has happened. It must be that I know that I am here for a year, and I know that I have unlimited time, more or less, during weekends to do things that I have talked about doing when back at home. And still I am not doing them. Or at least not as much of it as I would have wanted. But then again, the fact that I am here a year, which is a long time, is kind of tricky. Some days it feels as if though I am going home next month, and other days it feels like I will live here for the rest of my life. And I think I am caught somewhere in between with the activities-problem. On one hand I feel like I should do it all cause time is running out, but on the other hand I feel like I have all the time in the world and not really deciding upon which of the two feelings to listen to, results in me not doing the things and then feeling guilty about it.
Psychology session ended.
I am excited about getting the camera out though to do some photographing at Muswell Hill and Alexandra Palace. Whoop whoop.
Friday consisted of a lot of working and then basically heading to the girlfriend's place to sleep. Saturday, could have been filled with lovely activities, but instead I headed back home as Anna went to work and I did some much needed laundry. Sunday is going to be a day of neverending movement, first to Swiss Cottage, then back to East Finchley to walk through Muswell Hill and Alexandra Palace.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind lazy weekends; it is just that I feel more guilty about having them when I am here. I feel guilty about having a lazy day in general, when back in Sweden I saw no problem in not seeing a single other person for a week if that was the time I had off work. It feels like it was easier to occupy one self back at home, rather than doing it here. I mean I have been in my room all day and not a lot of things, apart from laundry (believe it or not!?) has happened. It must be that I know that I am here for a year, and I know that I have unlimited time, more or less, during weekends to do things that I have talked about doing when back at home. And still I am not doing them. Or at least not as much of it as I would have wanted. But then again, the fact that I am here a year, which is a long time, is kind of tricky. Some days it feels as if though I am going home next month, and other days it feels like I will live here for the rest of my life. And I think I am caught somewhere in between with the activities-problem. On one hand I feel like I should do it all cause time is running out, but on the other hand I feel like I have all the time in the world and not really deciding upon which of the two feelings to listen to, results in me not doing the things and then feeling guilty about it.
Psychology session ended.
I am excited about getting the camera out though to do some photographing at Muswell Hill and Alexandra Palace. Whoop whoop.
Wednesday 14 October 2015
Money makes the world go 'round.
I never quite got how expensive it was to be in London.
I mean. I got the fact that it was expensive to eat out. I got the fact that it would not be cheap. But I never quite got just how expensive it was. Going as a tourist, you always have the budget, the amount of money that you have exchanged and you will try (sometimes have) to stay within that budget, without touching your VISA. Let's be honest, I hardly ever managed to stay within my budget, and almost always brought out my little green card.
But living here, when I cannot escape to my VISA whenever my budget won't allow me, is something entirely different. I have to live of the money I earn and eventhough that actually goes further than I thought, it still bothers me that I cannot spend the same kind of money as I do when I am a tourist. Writing this down, it surely sounds like the biggest first-world problem, but it is just something that got to me the other day.
I have however, found ways to avoid spending lots of money, and I have managed to save up quite a bit already. My, without a doubt, biggest expense is food. Eating out costs a fortune and actually getting food from the house, rather than going out to eat saves me a tremendous amount of money each week. Sure, not rocket science, but how fun is it really to sit down and eat dinner in your kitchen when you have London, and endless possibilities in terms of food and restaurants outside your window???
Saving up though. What am I saving up to? I don't know. Yes, honestly. I want to go to concerts, musicals, museums, theatres, pictures. But I also kind of want to go somewhere outside of London. And eventhough I can't think of a better time to do it, I am now feeling like maybe I should just do that in future and save my money for now. Deep down, I do realise that I am saving up money now, that I am going to spend on that later anyway. It just feels hard to let go of your money and see the £0,00.00 when you check your account balance.
This ended up going nowhere and turned out to be nothing but a rant about my assets and expenses.
I mean. I got the fact that it was expensive to eat out. I got the fact that it would not be cheap. But I never quite got just how expensive it was. Going as a tourist, you always have the budget, the amount of money that you have exchanged and you will try (sometimes have) to stay within that budget, without touching your VISA. Let's be honest, I hardly ever managed to stay within my budget, and almost always brought out my little green card.
But living here, when I cannot escape to my VISA whenever my budget won't allow me, is something entirely different. I have to live of the money I earn and eventhough that actually goes further than I thought, it still bothers me that I cannot spend the same kind of money as I do when I am a tourist. Writing this down, it surely sounds like the biggest first-world problem, but it is just something that got to me the other day.
I have however, found ways to avoid spending lots of money, and I have managed to save up quite a bit already. My, without a doubt, biggest expense is food. Eating out costs a fortune and actually getting food from the house, rather than going out to eat saves me a tremendous amount of money each week. Sure, not rocket science, but how fun is it really to sit down and eat dinner in your kitchen when you have London, and endless possibilities in terms of food and restaurants outside your window???
Saving up though. What am I saving up to? I don't know. Yes, honestly. I want to go to concerts, musicals, museums, theatres, pictures. But I also kind of want to go somewhere outside of London. And eventhough I can't think of a better time to do it, I am now feeling like maybe I should just do that in future and save my money for now. Deep down, I do realise that I am saving up money now, that I am going to spend on that later anyway. It just feels hard to let go of your money and see the £0,00.00 when you check your account balance.
This ended up going nowhere and turned out to be nothing but a rant about my assets and expenses.
Thursday 8 October 2015
Do-To-List
Okay, so today I realised that there are so many things left to do, since I only have about 250 days left (-.-). So I decided to make myself a list that I will continuously tick off and possibly add to.
- London Tower (been here 10 times and never gone - shame on me)
- Borough Market
- Brick Lane
- Winter Wonderland (been but need to go again)
- New Years Ever (will I ever get a better opportunity?)
- Guard Change at Buckingham Palace
- Out doors cinema
- G-A-Y Heaven (again, been but need to go again)
- Photography in all (but not all) boroughs
- Three musicals (that I have not seen)
- Night photography (cause why not?)
- Brighton (okay not in London but I mean who said I couldn't move outwards, yeah?)
- Find my favourite place (been looking but I have not found my favourite place yet)
- James Bay concert (cheating cause I already have tickets, but still...)
- Move outside of zone 1-3 (there is so much to see from zone 4 and outwards)
Realisation
Tomorrow I have been here for 50 days. Tomorrow I have lived in London for about one sixth of my stay, which in itself is so frustrating and sad at the same time. Eventhough these close to two months really have rushed by, it feels as if though I have gotten the hang of the routines and the daily life of this family. It feels as if though I have been here for so much longer than I have and I feel so comfortable in their house and around them.
Also, I am so glad I ended up with this family. I am so glad because they do care about how I feel, about what I do and think. They make sure I feel comfortable and remind me to let them know if there is anything that is bothering me. They are so keen on making my stay the best possible. And I know that not all au pair have that situation, which only makes me feel even more blessed to have ended up in this family.
However, on a less sentimental note, I am bringing out the camera for the first time since my arrival to do some photographing this weekend. I am so excited, especially about all the autumn colours and the general cozy feel of London around this time of the year. First stop is a market (have not decided yet upon which one of Hoxton, Brick Lane or Borough Market) and then a possible visit to the cinema (that we so dutifuly have stayed clear of for the past two - or is it three - weeks!). Either way I get to spend the night right where I want to; next to Anna.
Also, I am so glad I ended up with this family. I am so glad because they do care about how I feel, about what I do and think. They make sure I feel comfortable and remind me to let them know if there is anything that is bothering me. They are so keen on making my stay the best possible. And I know that not all au pair have that situation, which only makes me feel even more blessed to have ended up in this family.
However, on a less sentimental note, I am bringing out the camera for the first time since my arrival to do some photographing this weekend. I am so excited, especially about all the autumn colours and the general cozy feel of London around this time of the year. First stop is a market (have not decided yet upon which one of Hoxton, Brick Lane or Borough Market) and then a possible visit to the cinema (that we so dutifuly have stayed clear of for the past two - or is it three - weeks!). Either way I get to spend the night right where I want to; next to Anna.
Tuesday 6 October 2015
Everyone has sinusitis
So apparently the entire family has now gotten a tad of sinusitis which makes it harder for the bacteria to just leave. Get out. Be gone. Which also means that I got another go of it - just coming out of it - but I can feel it draining all my energy at the moment.
Spent the day in today, partly because 2/3 of the children are sick, but mostly cause there is an endless supply of tea. I thought I drank a lot of tea before, but I knew nothing of the concept "have a cuppa" - which means you have a cup in hand at all times. I like the idea.
I also like the fact that I have a trip home planned (schh don't tell anyone it is still secret). I am really starting to miss my sister and dogs by now and I cannot wait to just get to hang out with them. If only for three days!
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