This entire weekend I have walked around with one feeling in my gut throughout. It hasn't really mattered if I have been walking alone on the street on my way to or from a bus; if I have been waiting for someone to to call or pick up; if I have just paid or gotten money back; if I have found something that I have been looking forward to or given something back that I've borrowed; if I have talked to someone or seen that I have a missed call. That one feeling has always been there.
Gratitude.
It might sound super pretentious and slightly weird but this weekend I have had that feeling constantly. I am just so grateful to have the people that I do, around me. To be surrounded with people that are so supportive and kind.
There is always going to be negative and bigoted arseholes out there. But I am just going to try and improve in ignoring them
Sunday 21 February 2016
Thursday 18 February 2016
Indecisiveness
I have always had trouble making up my mind about the major decisions in life. Most of the times I've just pushed the decision a bit further a head, engaging in something less important for a while until the real problem went away on its own and I can go back to not have to make life changing choices. I am currently at one of those decisions; where I have to decide if I want to stay or not; if I want to go home and study or not; if I want to make a grown up decision, or just go with whatever is the easiest option.
Whereas as a kid I could ask my mother; does this look good? As a teenager; what should I write my essay about? A year ago; can you look after the dog? But now I am sat in my bedroom, almost 8 months after I left to do this whole au-pair thing, and so far I have managed on my own, I have made my own decisions and that is the reason I am sat here. And I feel really good about that. I am actually insanely proud of myself for having gotten myself here, but now I am stuck.
One part of me wants to stay, keep living this (let's be honest) easy life as an au-pair in a family, that actually wants you to stay for another year because they like you so much. I could stay and do all the things that I have felt like I have missed out on this year. I could stay and get to know London (and the parts outside it) better. I could stay and get even closer with the kids and the parents, spend more time with the other au pairs that are staying, spend more time with my best friend now living here, spend more time not living at home, in Sweden.
The other part really does want to go home. Not necessarily to the way things were before. Actually not at all to that. I want something new, even if I do go home. Meaning I will move to another city, away from the one I grew up in, study in a foreign city so far away from my home of 24 years. I want to study, get a place of my own to life, get a job and all that comes after. Nothing tells me I can't do that even if I do stay another year, but that part, the flat-study-job part is the part that I have kept pushing ahead of me since I graduated. I know that if I do stay another year, I will keep pushing it ahead of me until I turn 80. I have handed myself a perfect opportunity to grab the bull by the horn and just get on with things.
As things are now, I will take that chance. But then again, a week ago I promised myself that I'd stay.
Whereas as a kid I could ask my mother; does this look good? As a teenager; what should I write my essay about? A year ago; can you look after the dog? But now I am sat in my bedroom, almost 8 months after I left to do this whole au-pair thing, and so far I have managed on my own, I have made my own decisions and that is the reason I am sat here. And I feel really good about that. I am actually insanely proud of myself for having gotten myself here, but now I am stuck.
One part of me wants to stay, keep living this (let's be honest) easy life as an au-pair in a family, that actually wants you to stay for another year because they like you so much. I could stay and do all the things that I have felt like I have missed out on this year. I could stay and get to know London (and the parts outside it) better. I could stay and get even closer with the kids and the parents, spend more time with the other au pairs that are staying, spend more time with my best friend now living here, spend more time not living at home, in Sweden.
The other part really does want to go home. Not necessarily to the way things were before. Actually not at all to that. I want something new, even if I do go home. Meaning I will move to another city, away from the one I grew up in, study in a foreign city so far away from my home of 24 years. I want to study, get a place of my own to life, get a job and all that comes after. Nothing tells me I can't do that even if I do stay another year, but that part, the flat-study-job part is the part that I have kept pushing ahead of me since I graduated. I know that if I do stay another year, I will keep pushing it ahead of me until I turn 80. I have handed myself a perfect opportunity to grab the bull by the horn and just get on with things.
As things are now, I will take that chance. But then again, a week ago I promised myself that I'd stay.
Monday 1 February 2016
I am getting old
It has been a pretty up-and-down week.
I think this has been the week where I have felt most appreciative towards the people around me. I don't properly know why but I have just felt so grateful to have the people I do around me. Not a lot has happened, at least not worth mentioning. The days has looked pretty much the same since I got here.
The one thing standing out though, is that I have gotten myself out of my comfort zone and will start volunteer working at Oxfam from next week onwards. It is once a week, 4 hours - but it will fill my day and I will feel good about doing it. Also, it is in a book-and-music branch which suits me perfectly and the people working there are really lovely.
What else, what else. A certain persons 25th birthday is coming upplease let me live through the upcoming two weeks without age anxiety and things could be worse. I honestly did not think I'd feel like going home as much as I do, but there is this tiny part of me that wishes that I was back home just to get that common birthday commotion. But it feels good to spend it here as well, it is the people you surround yourself with, right?
(Also this evening off could have been spent on looking up future in terms of education and whether to stay or not, but I spent it watching a season of 2 Broke Girls. Regrets? No.)
I think this has been the week where I have felt most appreciative towards the people around me. I don't properly know why but I have just felt so grateful to have the people I do around me. Not a lot has happened, at least not worth mentioning. The days has looked pretty much the same since I got here.
The one thing standing out though, is that I have gotten myself out of my comfort zone and will start volunteer working at Oxfam from next week onwards. It is once a week, 4 hours - but it will fill my day and I will feel good about doing it. Also, it is in a book-and-music branch which suits me perfectly and the people working there are really lovely.
What else, what else. A certain persons 25th birthday is coming up
(Also this evening off could have been spent on looking up future in terms of education and whether to stay or not, but I spent it watching a season of 2 Broke Girls. Regrets? No.)
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