Secret tears

So, this was my last week as an au pair.

The entire week, or even the entire past month, was very uneventful and very chill seeing as the kids were all away on the own activities which left me alone in the house with laundry. I also helped Nicky getting into the shoes of my role properly and I am now 100% confident she will do perfectly in taking over after me. I mean the kids already adore her to bits.

However, on Thursday I was finally painfully aware of how close my final date was and I walked around all day, thinking about how I was going to en up doing things for the last time the next day. We went out for dinner on the Thursday, just having a good time and as I walked home I felt a sense of closure. I knew I still had one more day to go but I still felt like this was a good time to go. I would have felt a bit cheated by time if I had left earlier but this is a good time go to. I can't really explain it, it just felt like a good time to go.

Then there was Friday. The entire day was spent inside the house with the kids. I don't know if they all finally realised that I was inf act leaving, but they all behaved perfectly and spent the day randomly tossing compliments and nice words my way. It did not make it easier for me throughout my shift. Then the entire family and I had a little gathering int he lounge and exchanged nice cards and I got a lovely present. As I was babysitting that evening I still got a bit more extra time with the kids which I really appreciated but as it was time to go to bed we all became aware of the fact that this is the last time before I leave that I will see them. I am leaving on the 15th to go home and they are escaping to their summer house for the next two weeks. Meaning they will come back when I have already left. I was made to promise that I will come back to visit and I am planning on taking them up on that offer.

I will miss this family so terribly. I did not cry in front of the kids, even though they shed their own tears. But on my way home, as I had finally said good-bye to everyone reality hit me like a brick and I realised just what leaving that evening meant. And I started crying. And I couldn't stop. I cried for a few hours and woke up with my cheeks salt stained.

I will miss them all so much. I am just glad I can come visit whenever.

West End Live

This week (mostly weekend) left me feeling refreshed.

We spent most of the week just relaxing, taking time hating enjoying the rain. And during the weekend, we got a bit more sunshine and cultural exchange. We went to see West End Live at Trafalgar Square. We got to see parts of Disney's The Lion King, Thriller, Stomp and Matilda. I am a bit sad about not getting to see Wicked, Book of Mormon and Phantom of the Opera (even though I have already seen all of those - but they were just so damn good). But I just think that it is a really good idea to get people invested in the musicals and get people more interested in musicals.

Next weekend though we have a bit more in store. The Swedish midsummer is on Friday and then we have the Pride parade on Saturday. I am really looking forward to that.

Three weeks later…

Where to start?

The past three weeks has been uneventful to the extent that I can't properly remember what has happened. Anna's mother visited for a weekend, the other two were spent simple lounging as Anna tried to recover from her pneumonia. The weeks looked like any other week.

Spring has properly arrived and I cannot think of a more beautiful season. Spring really suits London. It doesn't really matter that it keeps raining every three days. As long as the sun comes out for a while each day I am satisfied.

Half-term is coming up and I have a week off. It is also very conveniently (not) placed just as the finals take place in Sweden and therefore soem friends cannot visit, others have work. However, there are a few plans we might have to look into. I've always wanted to go to Manchester. First, this weekend Anna and I are seeing Phantom of the Opera.

Then we'll see what happens.

I adult very well.

I never realised how much of an adult I was until I got to spend time with children.

I have always found that the 'adult' things in life didn't come too easily and I often felt a surge of panic when I had to do the simplest things, that I classified as adult. However, having spend countless days with children, I realise that these things come quite naturally to me whenever I am the person that actually has to do it. I mean I could send of the youngest to do the weekly shopping. I would not go down well with his parents and we might never get the shopping because he'd get distracted by a dog mid way (not saying that I never get distracted by dogs whilst doing the weekly shopping). And to be honest, I am really enjoying it. I am thoroughly enjoying doing packed lunches, doing laundry, making dinner and making sure no one has sweets before tea time.

I am also thoroughly enjoying spending time with the children, which I, before I got here, to be perfectly honest, thought would be something that I would find hard. But dare I say, it comes naturally. Then again, that could be simply because the children and I share so many interests, it doesn't really get boring hanging out with them.

However, my only worry right now is; how do you entertain a 9 y/o for an entire week when there is no school on, play dates aren't possible and whatever museum you propose is the equivalent of a deadly virus?

Unproductive events.

February was quite possibly the most uneventful and at the same time most eventful month so far.

I managed to squeeze in an anniversary, a birthday, the vist from my sister and my beloved Belgian Panda. But then again that is just about everything that has happened. Other than that there has been insanely long days that has resulted in nothing productive (I think I am going to have to go back to my bucket list and tick som things off) and I am not too sure how I feel about that. Once again I feel very stupid for not doing something all the time, but at the same time I just do not have the energy. I mean, a month long cold (if not longer) is not something that I just randomly recover from over night. Yes I am trying to justify my laziness I should probably try and turn it around though. I don't want to go home and feel like I missed out. So far, that feeling hasn't creeped on, but you never know.

I have also started planning out my packing for when going home. Sigh.

Indecisiveness

I have always had trouble making up my mind about the major decisions in life. Most of the times I've just pushed the decision a bit further a head, engaging in something less important for a while until the real problem went away on its own and I can go back to not have to make life changing choices. I am currently at one of those decisions; where I have to decide if I want to stay or not; if I want to go home and study or not; if I want to make a grown up decision, or just go with whatever is the easiest option.

Whereas as a kid I could ask my mother; does this look good? As a teenager; what should I write my essay about? A year ago; can you look after the dog? But now I am sat in my bedroom, almost 8 months after I left to do this whole au-pair thing, and so far I have managed on my own, I have made my own decisions and that is the reason I am sat here. And I feel really good about that. I am actually insanely proud of myself for having gotten myself here, but now I am stuck.

One part of me wants to stay, keep living this (let's be honest) easy life as an au-pair in a family, that actually wants you to stay for another year because they like you so much. I could stay and do all the things that I have felt like I have missed out on this year. I could stay and get to know London (and the parts outside it) better. I could stay and get even closer with the kids and the parents, spend more time with the other au pairs that are staying, spend more time with my best friend now living here, spend more time not living at home, in Sweden.

The other part really does want to go home. Not necessarily to the way things were before. Actually not at all to that. I want something new, even if I do go home. Meaning I will move to another city, away from the one I grew up in, study in a foreign city so far away from my home of 24 years. I want to study, get a place of my own to life, get a job and all that comes after. Nothing tells me I can't do that even if I do stay another year, but that part, the flat-study-job part is the part that I have kept pushing ahead of me since I graduated. I know that if I do stay another year, I will keep pushing it ahead of me until I turn 80. I have handed myself a perfect opportunity to grab the bull by the horn and just get on with things.

As things are now, I will take that chance. But then again, a week ago I promised myself that I'd stay.

Just three more days

In just three days time I will have landed in Sweden and will possibly be in a car on my way home to kiss the living sh*t out of my dogs. Oh and the family of course.

After the hell that was last week, this week feel a massive amount easier and eventhough I have two more entire days to go, the train ride to the airport still feels within reach. The only problem is packing. I am always packing to go away, but now I am packing to go to Home I. Going from Home II to Home I is trickier than I thought it would be cause obviously I brought stuff here that I no longer need, or that I do need when I go back to Sweden, but then again it feels utterly pointless bringing back stuff to Sweden that I can most definitely get there. But then again, why get another set of something that you already have and just ugh. This is a first world problem if I ever saw one but it is real and present and it annoys me.

I have however, packed my suitcase with books. I have apparently managed to buy 10 books (and read 6 of them - yes that is right). I am bringing 10 books with me on the flights. 10 books. One would think that I'd be able to keep from buying books when I know I am going to have to sihp them to and fro, but no. Now my book shelf just stares depressingly empty at me and I feel a bit sad that I had to clean out the majority of the shelves of stuff that I "had" to bring back to Home I. It is just that I'd rather take it in turns and make sure some of it goes home with each suitcase that has Destination: Sweden written on it, than being sweaty over having to bring it all back in one go. Because god knows that with my addiction with books and Primark, it would take at least 6 suitcases.

Also, Christmas is approaching. 18 days left. Which is a bit sad because by this time I have usually entered Christmas Mode 2.0 but this year there is not a single Christmassy feeling around. I am blaming the lack of snow, and trusting what the family says, there will be none. Maybe I shouldn't trust them and just keep my hopes up. However, all the Christmas presents are bought, apart from the best friend's, which is the trickiest one so far, and wrapped.

Snow or no snow, tomorrow Christmas music will be blasting through my head phones.

1 December

I realised that the only post from December cannot be about me missing my dog. That will not do.

It doesn't really feel like 1 December though. But that could be because me and the children have been in a festive spirit since the end of October and they even stopping making fun of my ugly gorgeous Christmas jumpers. They think they have seen them all. Oh, they are in for a surprise.

The fact that the Christmas lights are on throughout all the streets are really helping with the festive atmosphere as well. Then there is the constant singing of Christmas carols, the never-ending practising of Christmas songs on their cellos, clarinets and violins. I am not complaining, I love Christmas, it is just that I am afraid that it will all be over to quickly. I didn't realise until I, listening to BBC Radio 1 this morning got caught on something Nick Grimshaw said "You don't want it to be over by 8 December" and it hit me that that is probably what will happen. Unless I won't let it.

Wow, this is turning into one of those tug wars. Oh well.

I am super excited about Christmas, and the fact that I have already managed all the presents apart from two (which of one is planned and the other one is a mystery still). I don't think I have ever had such trouble finding presents for people (could have something to do with that fact that I am buying stuff for people that I have not only known for a mere 4 months, but also, they are 9-15 y/o) but I have really enjoyed running around in London, trying to find something suitable.

All that is missing now is the snow. Keeping wishing, right?

Home sick pt. 2

In less than two weeks time I am home. That is the one thing that I keep thinking about, no matter what I am doing or who I am with.

It is not that I want to go home and stay there, that I don't enjoy being in London, that I don't like the people here or the fact that I live here. It is not that. It is more the fact that i miss my home. I miss the place I grew up in and I miss the people that I have seen pretty much every day since I was born. I keep telling myself that I will be back in no time anyway; that I shouldn't really stress over wanting to go back - but it is just that the more I try to not think about it, the more I end up thinking about it and it is really hard to do the stuff you are supposed to be doing when all you can think about is how much you'd want to do this and that, meet that and that person, etc.

I am pretty sure though, that as soon as I have been home and gotten the whole "I miss my family" thought out of my head I will be more than fine with going back. (To be honest, it is the dog I really miss.)

Realisation

Tomorrow I have been here for 50 days. Tomorrow I have lived in London for about one sixth of my stay, which in itself is so frustrating and sad at the same time. Eventhough these close to two months really have rushed by, it feels as if though I have gotten the hang of the routines and the daily life of this family. It feels as if though I have been here for so much longer than I have and I feel so comfortable in their house and around them.

Also, I am so glad I ended up with this family. I am so glad because they do care about how I feel, about what I do and think. They make sure I feel comfortable and remind me to let them know if there is anything that is bothering me. They are so keen on making my stay the best possible. And I know that not all au pair have that situation, which only makes me feel even more blessed to have ended up in this family.

However, on a less sentimental note, I am bringing out the camera for the first time since my arrival to do some photographing this weekend. I am so excited, especially about all the autumn colours and the general cozy feel of London around this time of the year. First stop is a market (have not decided yet upon which one of Hoxton, Brick Lane or Borough Market) and then a possible visit to the cinema (that we so dutifuly have stayed clear of for the past two - or is it three - weeks!). Either way I get to spend the night right where I want to; next to Anna.

An exceptionally ordinary day

Today was pretty much just like any other day.

7.00 - Up you go. It is a bright day and the sun is shining, that means you do not need an extra shirt on and you can carry your scarf instead of wearing it. You can also get out of bed on time for once cause it is not warmer in bed.

7.30 - At work, family is busy getting ready for the day and yours has only just begun. Make sure not to be in anyones way, which I am very good at and quite enjoy actually. Make sure things are tidy and everything is where it is supposed to be.

7.50 - Take youngster to school. He cannot be late and make sure he has brsuhed teeth, feed guinnea pigs and done his violin practise. I think we should also make sure all his things are in his bag and that he is wearing the right shoes. Oh, and the rain jacket must be taken.

8.40 - Back home after school run. Driving is fun and relaxing and the traffic jams are never the same bother as they are at home. Also iHeart Radio is really helping to entertain at the most tidious stop lights.

10.30 - You have a few hours to yourself. Do whatever you want, maybe get some lunch, or catch up on some reading? Wanna keep on ironing? That is fine, as long as you don't burn yourself, which has turned into a habit.

15.00 - Back on the horse, food needs to be taken care of for later and there might even be another washing machine to take care off. Also make sure to get into the car for a second school run on time, you never know how many of London's car drivers are going to be on the same road as you.

17.00 - Back home (hopefully - if not the traffic decides to move close to not at all). Time for homework; which you hopefully made sure was brought home before you leave school. Make sure to check twice cause you never know. Also, rain jacket must be taken home as well.

19.00 - Dinner is done and over with, as are you. Off for the night and perhaps you should try and manage some reading now? I mean since there is no ironing to steal your attention.

So yeah, like any other day.

Am I a grown up now?

Me five years ago would have been panicking by now. Not going home in a week? Doing my own laudry? Shopping my own food? What do you mean I have to make my own bed? Past-me would have been pulling her hair, wondering how she could get out of the situations she didn't like and how she could get someone else to do whatever she felt was too much to ask of her. She would have gone out of her way to have someone else do the dirty work and possibly even tried to take the credit for someone elses hardwork. She would have complained (loudly) about having to get up at 6.30 every morning, and she would definitely have complained even louder (if possible) about waking up by herself before noon on weekends.

The present-me is quite enjoying it. I am really liking the fact that I can come and go as I want out of working hours. That I decide what I want to eat and buy to eat. That I am the one to make my plans for the weekends, rather than having to plan around everyone else's plans. Surely I had freedom back home as well - but this is so different. Cause there is literally no one here to tell me to do something out of work hours. And though that is freeing, it is also strangely unsetteling. Going back home after a year is going to be almost as big of a change as it was coming here. Am I scared about that? Yes.

Having talked to many other au-pairs, I realise that I ended up in the right family. The one thing that would make them better would be if they got a dog. Dad being allergic, makes that a no-go. But one can't have everything, right? I don't mind not having to walk a dog though, yet I have talked to Mum about spreading the word to her friends, that I wouldn't mind taking a fury four pawed adorable drooling dog for a walk every now and then.

Cause I do miss my dogs. A lot.

Five, is the magic number

The number five has been following me around lately. Five working days so far, also five days since I last wrote. Five hours sleep last night and five more days till I am planned to be reunited with my best friend here in London. Also did five rounds in the washing machine today and there were five of us for dinner. I guess I am grasping here, but the details keep popping out at me.

Anyway, enough of that. I feel that I am finally getting into the routines, leaving and picking up at school. Shopping, cooking, washing. It is all falling into place and the little ones are actually behaving really nicely. I will never get used to the idea that they are as polite as they are. I am driving on my own, which I thought was a bit further ahead in the future but I guess the parents found me a safe-enough driver to drive their children.

Tomorrow is the last day of the littlest one's summer vacation, and on Wednesday I start working regular times. Something I am looking forward to. In all fairness, the children have been angels - really - but I feel like I need a bit of me time and that time has lately only been the 5 minutes it takes for me to walk from the family until I fall asleep on my bed.

I am missing home a bit. Not so much specific people or dogs but more the familiarity of it all. And I guess that is something that I am going to have the hardest time letting go of for now. I am so used to, even when I am on the road for months at a time, that I will go back home soon enough and I am always the one to start counting down the days until I go back home. But a year is a long time to count down and I don't want to do that whilst I am here, in fear of me properly living my life instead of longing back to the life back home. If that makes sense. Though I would not decline a cuddle with my little Princess of a dog.

I have a few things planned for the week though. Might even pick up a book again. But one thing that will most definitely have to happen is washing some clothes (long overdue). Whohoo.

First Day

Today has been a rollercoaster. 

Emotions has gone up and down, perhaps as expected, but it has still worn me out to the degree that I could shamelessly fall asleep on the Gatwick Express. Right now. Just like that. Boom! Gone to the world. 

Tomorrow my new adventure begins, at 10.30AM to be exact, as that is the time I am setting off from the hotel I am sleeping at tonight to meet my tennant for the upcoming year. I am nervous but not as nervous as I would have been had I not been knackered from carrying three bags around for the past 4 hours (not including the 2h I spent on the plane).

Being an au pair is something I've wanted to do for the past 8 years. I'm glad I finally came around to do it. I don't know where it'll take me, but I know that I'll end up being far away from where I was when I started.