Indecisiveness

I have always had trouble making up my mind about the major decisions in life. Most of the times I've just pushed the decision a bit further a head, engaging in something less important for a while until the real problem went away on its own and I can go back to not have to make life changing choices. I am currently at one of those decisions; where I have to decide if I want to stay or not; if I want to go home and study or not; if I want to make a grown up decision, or just go with whatever is the easiest option.

Whereas as a kid I could ask my mother; does this look good? As a teenager; what should I write my essay about? A year ago; can you look after the dog? But now I am sat in my bedroom, almost 8 months after I left to do this whole au-pair thing, and so far I have managed on my own, I have made my own decisions and that is the reason I am sat here. And I feel really good about that. I am actually insanely proud of myself for having gotten myself here, but now I am stuck.

One part of me wants to stay, keep living this (let's be honest) easy life as an au-pair in a family, that actually wants you to stay for another year because they like you so much. I could stay and do all the things that I have felt like I have missed out on this year. I could stay and get to know London (and the parts outside it) better. I could stay and get even closer with the kids and the parents, spend more time with the other au pairs that are staying, spend more time with my best friend now living here, spend more time not living at home, in Sweden.

The other part really does want to go home. Not necessarily to the way things were before. Actually not at all to that. I want something new, even if I do go home. Meaning I will move to another city, away from the one I grew up in, study in a foreign city so far away from my home of 24 years. I want to study, get a place of my own to life, get a job and all that comes after. Nothing tells me I can't do that even if I do stay another year, but that part, the flat-study-job part is the part that I have kept pushing ahead of me since I graduated. I know that if I do stay another year, I will keep pushing it ahead of me until I turn 80. I have handed myself a perfect opportunity to grab the bull by the horn and just get on with things.

As things are now, I will take that chance. But then again, a week ago I promised myself that I'd stay.