Unproductive events.

February was quite possibly the most uneventful and at the same time most eventful month so far.

I managed to squeeze in an anniversary, a birthday, the vist from my sister and my beloved Belgian Panda. But then again that is just about everything that has happened. Other than that there has been insanely long days that has resulted in nothing productive (I think I am going to have to go back to my bucket list and tick som things off) and I am not too sure how I feel about that. Once again I feel very stupid for not doing something all the time, but at the same time I just do not have the energy. I mean, a month long cold (if not longer) is not something that I just randomly recover from over night. Yes I am trying to justify my laziness I should probably try and turn it around though. I don't want to go home and feel like I missed out. So far, that feeling hasn't creeped on, but you never know.

I have also started planning out my packing for when going home. Sigh.

Thinking Out Loud

This entire weekend I have walked around with one feeling in my gut throughout. It hasn't really mattered if I have been walking alone on the street on my way to or from a bus; if I have been waiting for someone to to call or pick up; if I have just paid or gotten money back; if I have found something that I have been looking forward to or given something back that I've borrowed; if I have talked to someone or seen that I have a missed call. That one feeling has always been there.

Gratitude.

It might sound super pretentious and slightly weird but this weekend I have had that feeling constantly. I am just so grateful to have the people that I do, around me. To be surrounded with people that are so supportive and kind.

There is always going to be negative and bigoted arseholes out there. But I am just going to try and improve in ignoring them

Indecisiveness

I have always had trouble making up my mind about the major decisions in life. Most of the times I've just pushed the decision a bit further a head, engaging in something less important for a while until the real problem went away on its own and I can go back to not have to make life changing choices. I am currently at one of those decisions; where I have to decide if I want to stay or not; if I want to go home and study or not; if I want to make a grown up decision, or just go with whatever is the easiest option.

Whereas as a kid I could ask my mother; does this look good? As a teenager; what should I write my essay about? A year ago; can you look after the dog? But now I am sat in my bedroom, almost 8 months after I left to do this whole au-pair thing, and so far I have managed on my own, I have made my own decisions and that is the reason I am sat here. And I feel really good about that. I am actually insanely proud of myself for having gotten myself here, but now I am stuck.

One part of me wants to stay, keep living this (let's be honest) easy life as an au-pair in a family, that actually wants you to stay for another year because they like you so much. I could stay and do all the things that I have felt like I have missed out on this year. I could stay and get to know London (and the parts outside it) better. I could stay and get even closer with the kids and the parents, spend more time with the other au pairs that are staying, spend more time with my best friend now living here, spend more time not living at home, in Sweden.

The other part really does want to go home. Not necessarily to the way things were before. Actually not at all to that. I want something new, even if I do go home. Meaning I will move to another city, away from the one I grew up in, study in a foreign city so far away from my home of 24 years. I want to study, get a place of my own to life, get a job and all that comes after. Nothing tells me I can't do that even if I do stay another year, but that part, the flat-study-job part is the part that I have kept pushing ahead of me since I graduated. I know that if I do stay another year, I will keep pushing it ahead of me until I turn 80. I have handed myself a perfect opportunity to grab the bull by the horn and just get on with things.

As things are now, I will take that chance. But then again, a week ago I promised myself that I'd stay.

I am getting old

It has been a pretty up-and-down week.

I think this has been the week where I have felt most appreciative towards the people around me. I don't properly know why but I have just felt so grateful to have the people I do around me. Not a lot has happened, at least not worth mentioning. The days has looked pretty much the same since I got here.

The one thing standing out though, is that I have gotten myself out of my comfort zone and will start volunteer working at Oxfam from next week onwards. It is once a week, 4 hours - but it will fill my day and I will feel good about doing it. Also, it is in a book-and-music branch which suits me perfectly and the people working there are really lovely.

What else, what else. A certain persons 25th birthday is coming up please let me live through the upcoming two weeks without age anxiety and things could be worse. I honestly did not think I'd feel like going home as much as I do, but there is this tiny part of me that wishes that I was back home just to get that common birthday commotion. But it feels good to spend it here as well, it is the people you surround yourself with, right?

(Also this evening off could have been spent on looking up future in terms of education and whether to stay or not, but I spent it watching a season of 2 Broke Girls. Regrets? No.)

Social life

Okay so the main reason for the lack of updates; social life. Not that it is the biggest one out there, it is just that it has kept me from writing because it has left me exhausted to the level where I could fall asleep standing. Having a constant cold doesn't help either (I really should go and get that checked.)

Not a lot has happened lately. Apart from the same old, wake up, work, sleep and press a few lunch dates and evening meet ups in. Not that I mind in the slightest. Most of this terms holiday dates are set as well so now I have the opportunity to start planning around those as well. It all leaves me very excited.

What doesn't leave me all too excited though is what happens when my year here is up. I am already halfway through and I don't really want to think about what will happen when I am done. I will not stay another year, I have promised myself that, I need to go elsewhere. Just where? I want to keep on moving, and will not move back home. If I do move back to Sweden it will not be to the same hole that I left, because of all too many reasons to ignore.

I will however have to, within the next week preferably, do the following:

• Look into programs at schools in Sweden for next year.
• Look into living where said schools are.
• Look into pro's and con's for studying here vs. studying in Sweden.
• Look into pro's and con's for working vs. studying.
• Actually figure out what I want to do with my life.

Once again back to routines

Christmas and NYE holidays were a blessing but it feels good being back to the routines. I didn't actually think that I would miss sending kids off to school and making meals, giving rides to practices and swimming lessons, but I do. And it feels going back back.

This year I am planning on seeing more of London. Not just staying in my little Northern London-bubble, but actually get around a bit and since I have my long periods of time off during the day, I really do have a golden opportunity, I just need a bit of a carrot for getting away from the comfortableness off staying in the area.

I will also be volunteering at a local charity shop as a part of #OneMillionHours set up by BBC Radio 1, which I am very excited about. Several concerts and  events are already planned, along with visits from people I hold dear. I am feeling very positive towards this spring, and I hope it doesn't pass as quickly as people say it usually does.

Partly because I don't really want to leave, but also because I don't really know what to do afterwards. I want to study, but I also want to move on, travel somewhere else and see what that place has to offer. But all of that for another day she says as she postpones it for the seventh time this week.

Hiatus over

Okay, there never was a hiatus, just a lazy-ass blogger.

To be honest, I totally meant to write several posts during Christmas and New Years, but I never got around to even opening the laptop. I brought it back home with me, but never actually used it.

So first off, I went home - again. This time my sister did not know a single thing about it and surprising her was the best Christmas gift I could ever have gotten. Along with the well needed money that my parents handed me on Christmas Eve. There was not a single flake of snow in sight and I had a cold from hell, but it did not really matter seeing as I got to spend my sacred holiday with my family and best friend. It was truly awesome. The dogs were beside themselves this time as well (even more than the first time I dare say, which is strange because you'd think that they'd be happier about seeing me after 4 months, rather than 10 days).

And even though I was very happy to be back home, arriving on Dec 23rd might not have been the wisest thing. Why? Because the entire of UK decided to be at the North Terminal of Gatwick Airport at 8AM, flocking around Gate 14-16 were we had to be as well. So after having avoided getting our feet run over by several buggies, trolleys, suitcases on wheels and just people with big feet in general we managed to get to our gate only to have the flight delayed with an hour. Which might not sound too bad (compared to the flight to Bangkok that was supposed to leave at 8.45AM but was delayed until 9.05PM) but when all you really want to do is get home - yeah well. We were not beside ourselves.

Being home was nice though. 0% Christmas feelings and no snow, but it was nice.Vacation spent back home, it felt strange. And after four days, I slowly came to the realisation that I am perfectly fine with going back here, and perhaps not ever go back. I have grown too much to go back to living at home and four days with my family made me realise that. Although it was great seeing people you have missed it felt even better getting back here.

So after spending Christmas in Sweden, New Years in London felt like a really good idea. It was nowhere near as wild and outrageous as one might have hoped it would be but it was nice cause I had my girlfriend and my best friend on either side as it struck midnight and I don't think I have ever felt as content. Not only did we do some resolutions with friends back home, but we also got new resolutions done here and I have honestly never felt more confident in managing my resolutions than I do this year. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I feel like I actually want to this time and I think that weighs more than feeling the need to keep them.