To Do List no. 3

Okay so tonight is the last night in London and I am feeling quite torn. I am happy to go back because however much I try to tell myself that I want to stay, a part of me also wants to go. And there are close to zero things that I have left that I wished I had done. So therefore I can tick off the majority of my to do list. 

1. London Tower (been here 10 times and never gone - shame on me)
2. Borough Market 
3. Brick Lane
4. Winter Wonderland (been but need to go again)
5. New Years Ever (will I ever get a better opportunity?)
6. Guard Change at Buckingham Palace shame on me
7. Out doors cinema not my fault there were no good ones
8. G-A-Y Heaven (again, been but need to go again)
9. Photography in all (but not all) boroughs I TRIED
10. Three musicals (that I have not seen)
11. Night photography (cause why not?)
12. Brighton (okay not in London but I mean who said I couldn't move outwards, yeah?)
13. Find my favourite place (been looking but I have not found my favourite place yet)
14. James Bay concert (cheating cause I already have tickets, but still...)
15. Move outside of zone 1-3 (there is so much to see from zone 4 and outwards)
16. Go to The Breakfast Club
17. See a play
18. Two museums (that I have yet not visited)
19. Volunteer it did not work out
20. Do the Colour Me 5K Run (cause I already signed up and I better get my ass running) we were sick and it is the honest truth

Safe to say I am very proud of my accomplishment. 

I will miss this place so much. Surely I will go back but I will not come back to live then, it will be for vacations, which will never be the same. 

London will never be the same. It will from now on always be home away from home. 

Secret tears

So, this was my last week as an au pair.

The entire week, or even the entire past month, was very uneventful and very chill seeing as the kids were all away on the own activities which left me alone in the house with laundry. I also helped Nicky getting into the shoes of my role properly and I am now 100% confident she will do perfectly in taking over after me. I mean the kids already adore her to bits.

However, on Thursday I was finally painfully aware of how close my final date was and I walked around all day, thinking about how I was going to en up doing things for the last time the next day. We went out for dinner on the Thursday, just having a good time and as I walked home I felt a sense of closure. I knew I still had one more day to go but I still felt like this was a good time to go. I would have felt a bit cheated by time if I had left earlier but this is a good time go to. I can't really explain it, it just felt like a good time to go.

Then there was Friday. The entire day was spent inside the house with the kids. I don't know if they all finally realised that I was inf act leaving, but they all behaved perfectly and spent the day randomly tossing compliments and nice words my way. It did not make it easier for me throughout my shift. Then the entire family and I had a little gathering int he lounge and exchanged nice cards and I got a lovely present. As I was babysitting that evening I still got a bit more extra time with the kids which I really appreciated but as it was time to go to bed we all became aware of the fact that this is the last time before I leave that I will see them. I am leaving on the 15th to go home and they are escaping to their summer house for the next two weeks. Meaning they will come back when I have already left. I was made to promise that I will come back to visit and I am planning on taking them up on that offer.

I will miss this family so terribly. I did not cry in front of the kids, even though they shed their own tears. But on my way home, as I had finally said good-bye to everyone reality hit me like a brick and I realised just what leaving that evening meant. And I started crying. And I couldn't stop. I cried for a few hours and woke up with my cheeks salt stained.

I will miss them all so much. I am just glad I can come visit whenever.

A New Direction

After a minor realisation this weekend I have started anew and will try to live by the new rules I've set out. Actually it is just one rule and it sounds simpler and more stupid than it actually is.

Love myself.

I have always struggled with this and I do realise that a few hours of thinking and a few spoken mantras will not change anything. It is something that I am going to have to work with dutifully and continuously for a long time. I am going to have to change patterns in how I see myself and others. I am going to have to see things from a perspective that I have never honestly tried before and try to see myself objectively rather than filled to the brink with bias and hate. I am going to have to do my absolute best to not fall into a spiral of self hate like I have previously done. It is going to take time.

And I know that.

I will not love myself completely tomorrow, but I might just love myself a bit more than I did today.

West End Live

This week (mostly weekend) left me feeling refreshed.

We spent most of the week just relaxing, taking time hating enjoying the rain. And during the weekend, we got a bit more sunshine and cultural exchange. We went to see West End Live at Trafalgar Square. We got to see parts of Disney's The Lion King, Thriller, Stomp and Matilda. I am a bit sad about not getting to see Wicked, Book of Mormon and Phantom of the Opera (even though I have already seen all of those - but they were just so damn good). But I just think that it is a really good idea to get people invested in the musicals and get people more interested in musicals.

Next weekend though we have a bit more in store. The Swedish midsummer is on Friday and then we have the Pride parade on Saturday. I am really looking forward to that.

Sorting things out

So lately I have had this sensation of having too much on my plate.

Oh how much could it be? Quite a lot to be frank.

I have tried to sort out when to leave (have to book tickets in time for them not to be more expensive than just buying a house here) and then try to organise what will wait for me when I come back to Sweden. There are several things I need (but cannot yet ) sort out and it is stressing me out quite a lot; such as housing after the move to (and up north) in Sweden. Not only will I move back home, but I will also move within the country (not that bad, just 6-ish hours upwards) and I really do not know where to start with that.

On a happier (and warmer note); summer is here. Properly this time and you can hardly move without turning into a puddle of sweat on some days. Especially grateful right now that I have taken the habit of getting the bus instead of the tub so seriously. It is insane how different heat can be from country to country; and even two countries that are as close to each other as England and Sweden. Our heat is so much nicer cause the kind here is humid and thick - good luck breathing.

Half term was a slow process. It was ever so nice to have time off but I didn't really do much with my time. I don't really mind just regret not seeing more, but then again - it will still be there this summer and any other time I decide to come back here after having left this autumn.

Three weeks later…

Where to start?

The past three weeks has been uneventful to the extent that I can't properly remember what has happened. Anna's mother visited for a weekend, the other two were spent simple lounging as Anna tried to recover from her pneumonia. The weeks looked like any other week.

Spring has properly arrived and I cannot think of a more beautiful season. Spring really suits London. It doesn't really matter that it keeps raining every three days. As long as the sun comes out for a while each day I am satisfied.

Half-term is coming up and I have a week off. It is also very conveniently (not) placed just as the finals take place in Sweden and therefore soem friends cannot visit, others have work. However, there are a few plans we might have to look into. I've always wanted to go to Manchester. First, this weekend Anna and I are seeing Phantom of the Opera.

Then we'll see what happens.

Ups and downs

The past week has been a rollercoaster to say the least. Anna was hospitalised for pneumonia. Heading to the emergency on Wednesday after a fitful night they decided to keep her for a night or two (ended up being a week). Which meant that I, obviously, spent my weekend by her side at Whittington. Which I honestly do not mind, I am glad that I got to spend as many hours with her as I did, even though she was ill. She is home now though, which settles my nerves a whole lot.

I was so surprised by the health care here. Even though we went to the emergency room on the first day of the Junior Doctor Strike, we got help quickly and within hours she had her own bed and had gotten enough help to settle our worries a tad. The staff was so friendly and helpful, making sure we understood what was going on and making sure that Anna was comfortable. Honestly, a bit of a polar opposite with the experiences we have with the Swedish health care. Sorry, not sorry - but it is true.

So she is home and recovering, but I am not fully at ease. I see her ill so very rarely that when she is sick to me she is dying. And though I doubt I will ever stop worry about her wellbeing, I am worrying a bit extra now. Silly, but true.

Other than that ordeal not much has happened. My beloved Nicky is still back in Austria (also sick - why oh why come back you asshat) and I miss her so dearly.

By the way, I love Lush.